You couldn't cook my cock.

That might be my favorite "Hell's Kitchen" (Thursdays 9pm ET/PT on FOX HD) quote ever.

So yeah, in my last blog post, I talked about the previous episode of the Amazing Race. I'll be doing that from now on, and on Friday mornings, expect my update on Hell's Kitchen.

So here's who we have being told to f*ck off by Gordon Ramsey in Series 5:
Andrea "Keystone" Heinly -- Age 30 -- Reading, PA
Ben "Look At My Beard" Walanka -- Age 26 -- Chicago
Carol "Down South" Scott -- Age 30 -- Knoxville, TN
Coi "I'm too cool for a last name" -- Age 22 -- Austin, TX
Colleen "Ass-Kisser" Cleek -- Age 41 -- Papillion, NE
Danny "I'm Too Good" Veltri -- Age 23 -- Edgewater, FL
Giovanni "Italiano" Filipponi -- Age 37 -- Destin, FL
J "Letters Are Fun" Maxwell -- Age 32 -- Clifton Park, NY
LA "Not From LA" (real name Alicia) -- Age 23 -- Las Vegas
Lacey "Cheese and Whine" D'Angelo -- Age 24 -- Charlotte
Paula "idk" Dasilva -- Age 28 -- Coconut Creek, FL
Robert "I'm Going For The Peter Griffin Look and Not In A Good Way" Hesse -- Age 29 -- Quogue, NY
Seth "I Love To Be Cocky" Levine -- Age 27 -- New York City

Already gone as we entered episode #504 are:
Wil "Where Does The Sausage Go?" Kocol -- Age 27 -- Elgin, IL -- Eliminated in #501
Ji-Hyun Cha (got nothing bad to say) -- Age 27 -- Palisades Park, NJ -- Left due to injury in #502 (ankle)
"Sorry" Charlie McKay -- Age 24 -- Las Vegas -- Eliminated in #503

In case you haven't been watching, the contestants are divided into same-sex teams at the start.

All right, so after Charlie's exit, Seth (who was nominated in both the men's service losses #501 and #503) is prancing around the dorm saying how he's still in. Yeah, you do that for a while and people will begin to hate you. Oh wait, THEY ALREADY DO!!! Then Robert calmed everyone down with a pretty funny impression of Ramsay. Robert is looking to be my dark horse favorite I'll look for. He hasn't really made any glaring mistakes yet, although the preview for #505 next week says he will get yelled at. So we shall see.

A new day comes and finally there is no rude awakening for the contestants (like there was in #503 or #504). But they are up pretty early, and for good reason: It's time for the obligatory "let's serve breakfast to kids event"; in this case, some high schoolers from some Southern Cal place. The women served the cheerleaders while the men served the football players. All told, the service went relatively well, with the women finishing their service first in our 2nd really close battle of the season (after the dinner service in #502), and hence (finally) winning a challenge.

Actually, we all won from this challenge, as the girls got to go to a Beverly Hills hotel and lounge around in their bikinis. Carol, Paula, Andrea, Coi, you girls are really easy on the eyes. ;) Likewise, thanks to Fox for not showing much of Lacey and insiting LA keep her shirt on. >_>

Meanwhile, the men were punished, although not as bad as how the girls have been punished so far in my honest opinion. Seriously, they made the girls carry out some heavy beef in #503, that was evil. Anyways, the men had to clean up the entire restaurant AND prep both kitchens for dinner service that was, oh by the way, THE SAME NIGHT.

But before punishment, Danny and Ben had a fun little argument about each other's cooking abilities, to which Ben gave us our quote of the series.

So we ended up going into dinner service, which I think was affected greatly by having it the same night as the reward/punishment challenge. Both teams, as you shall see, completely were off-track all night, and I honestly think it was because the girls were relaxing all day and the guys were cleaning all day. But I'm not going to excuse their pitiful performance for that. Let's count the many ways that the two teams failed:

• Coi could not cook spaghetti to order to save her life.
• J served a butt of lettuce in a caesar salad. You just don't do that, J, and he knew it.
• Seth, continuing his ineptitude, wiped off the counter with a dirty rag.
• Colleen, continuing her ineptitude, made too many beef wellingtons.
• The tomato butter sauce was not made for the girls. That was supposed to be done by the guys as part of their punishment. Even when it was ordered to be made, Ben screwed it up before another guy (I forgot who made the 2nd batch) made it better.
• Appetizers and entrees were being returned left and right.

In other words, it made for great tv. Declaring a disaster, Ramsay barked out that both teams need to nominate people.

And those nominees were Lacey and Colleen (again) for the girls and Seth and Ben for the guys. Ok, I'm going to give a mulligan to Lacey in this nomination, even though I hate that bitch; Coi was planning to nominate herself and I don't think Lacey really made many mistakes in this challenge, so let Coi go and give herself a wakeup call. Also, J made a more serious error than Ben did in this service, but I'll let that go. Besides, we all knew that it was gonna be between Seth and Colleen for this elimination.

And it ended up being Seth eliminated in an "it's about god damn time" moment. DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT, ASSHOLE!

As a final twist, Ramsay moved Lacey over to the guys' team, breaking the gender divide pretty early. But we all know she has no chance: the favorites seem to be Andrea, Paula, and Robert at this point. We shall see how it continues to develop.

Whoops, I got whipped cream in your ear.

So every week, this show called The Amazing Race (Sundays 8pm ET/PT on CBS). The best reality show on TV today. And I thought "Gee, since I have a blog, let's tell you what I thought of this week's episode."

And I will.

First, let me give you some nicknames I'll use for the teams (for simplicity):
1st entering the leg: Margie and Luke (mother and deaf son) or "Helen Keller and his son"
2nd entering the leg: Tammy and Victor (Asian siblings/lawyers) or "Me Love Them Long Time"
3rd entering the leg: Mark and Michael (midget stuntmen) or "The Shorties"
4th entering the leg: Mel and Mike (gay father and son) or "Fabulous"
5th entering the leg: Amanda and Kris (stereotypical dating couple) or "They Tried Too Hard to be Good-Looking"
6th entering the leg: Brad and Victoria (married couple, he's 52, she's 47) or "Geriatric XIV"
7th entering the leg: Jaime and Cara (former NFL cheerleaders) or "Give Me An F-A-I-L"
8th entering the leg: Kisha and Jen (black sisters) or "Sister, Sister"
9th entering the leg: Steve and Linda (married rednecks, he's a carpenter) or "The Rednecks"
10th entering the leg: Christie and Jodi (blonde flight attendants) or "Fasten Your Fail"
Already eliminated: Preston and Jennifer (the other stereotypical dating couple)
Got it? Good. Now let's go thru what haepenned.

We start Leg 2 on a rainy night in Switzerland with Keller and son revealing that they get to go to Munich. You know who else we....never mind. Anyhoo, 7 teams make it on the first flight out of Switzerland while 3 have to settle for a flight 100 min later. The road block would make this time difference irrelevant, because the road block would bunch everyone up and really be the deciding factor in this leg. The road block looked cool: get on top of a mountain and tandem paraglide with an expert to a designated landing zone. That is, unless winds got in the way; then you could wait there (which was stupid) or walk down a path to the landing zone that would take about 60 minutes.

As fate would have it, the wind picked up. Which turned out to be bad news for Fabulous. Mel hurt his groin in the cheese-rolling challenge in the last leg, and it turns out he was the one to choose the road block. So it would've meant further injury for him to walk down. As a result, all of the teams passed him before the wind died down. He got to jump, but not before Fabulous (who entered the block 2nd) slipped to 5th.

The other big factor in this block was the Rednecks, who selected dumbass Linda to do the block. On the trail down, there was a fork in the road, and Linda failed to see the yellow and red sign that guided the players down. She ended up 3 miles down the road from the landing zone and had to bum a ride to Steve. That probably would've been a penalty, but as you'll see later, it wouldn't matter.

Meanwhile, Me Love Them Long Time pretty much ruled the rest of the leg. Tammy got to the bottom of the trail 1st and they stayed in that position thru the detour to the pit stop. The detour was SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH THIS LEG. Their choice: a boring Segway obstacle course (which the midgets and the gays selected) or throw pies at a target until a cherry one popped up. Little did they know that their target was their partner's face. Yeah, probably one of the 5 best tasks I've ever seen on the Amazing Race (granted, I missed last season because I had to work and CBS didn't get Amazing Race up on demand until this season). But yeah, the Asians got through the pies in about 7 tries and went through a little diversionary "get a piece of wood" route marker before hitting the pit stop 1st in Salzburg, Austria.

At the end of this short leg (no pun intended for the midgets), Linda's mistake was too much to overcome. Despite "Fasten Your Fail's" best attempts to blonde moment their way out of the race, they made it in the last transfer spot and the Rednecks are gone to the fail villa. And despite their error earlier, Fabulous got into Salzburg 2nd.

After this 2nd leg, Tammy and Victor have to be the prohibitive favorites. They lost a close footrace to Keller and Son in the first leg and utterly dominated the 2nd leg. I see them making it all the way to the end of the race at least. Others I think will make it in the final 3 are Mel/Mike (they are resilient) and Mark/Michael (dark horse picks to win it all).

Christie and Jodi have to be next on the chopping block: they can't get lucky from their blonde moments forever.

2nd leg finishing order: Tammy/Victor, Mel/Mike, Amanda/Kris, Margie/Luke, Brad/Victoria, Jamie/Cara, Kisha/Jen, Mark/Michael, Christie/Jodi
Gone: Steve/Linda, Preston/Jennifer

Media is destroying America.

Jim Cramer is an entertaining person to watch. In case you don't know, he hosts a stock analysis show called "Mad Money" on CNBC. But the last few weeks have been nothing but excitement and fun from Jim. He's told nothing but doomsday wishes on the present state of our economy, which I think everyone knows is in shambles. Everyone knows cause NO ONE WILL SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!

Let's evaluate just some of the ways that media is trying to remind us of the economy:

• AT&T: "And these days, we can't afford to be wasteful."
• Jim Cramer's appearance on the Today Show in October 2008: The beginning of his depression.
• There's a McDonald's ad (can't find it on YouTube) that advertises its Dollar Menu and says "Now more than ever."
• In recent weeks, Jeopardy has had clues about players in this crisis (Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, etc.) and Alex Trebek mentions how these names "are very much in the news these days."
• Countless articles about how NASCAR race teams are shutting down due to money woes.
• WWE's recent angle that has left Shawn Michaels, a top superstar, "bankrupt".
  
• The instant opinions on Obama's version of the $787b stimulus and how it won't work for our economy (let's give it a few weeks and see how it works).
  
• Not to mention the countless mentions on CNN, Fox, CNBC, MSNBC, (insert abbrevation here) about how we're getting worse and worse.

I could go on and on, but the point is....

WE ARE MAKING IT 100 TIMES WORSE BY TALKING ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER!

AND DOING NOTHING!!!!

Whether you listen to Cramer, the Democrats, the Republicans, whomever. I DON'T CARE! Just quit your damn moping on every damn television station in America and FIX IT! Just like what Charles Schwab is trying to tell you.

The Love Machine (and your WWE NWO predictions)

You wish I was a love machine. *sidelook* Anywho...let's get down to some of the big stories.

Tejada will probably go to PMITA prison after pleading guilty to lying about steroids. He fought the law and the law won.
Favre announced his retirement this week. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY, JUST FUCKING STAY AWAY! DON'T GIVE MORTENSEN...er...ESPN EVEN THE SLIGHTEST TEASE! /rant
UNC beats Duke at Duke. Again. Fark is right, Duke sucks.
Chelsea sacks Scolari as they fall further from the BPL lead. This is one of the reasons I love futbol, you're in 4th place of a 20-team league and your job is still in danger. Epic.
Yours truly found a Valentine. *sidelook* She might be in Atlanta and I'm stuck in Detroit (currently snow and 24 F), but I've discovered more and more that she is teh awesomeness.

Now, on to NWO predictions.

***

This is the PPV that sets things up for WM25. And wouldn't you know it, two elimination chamber matches fuck up what I thought was going to be smooth predictable sailing to Houston. But one show's main event is far more set in stone than others. Here are the picks.

All or Nothing Match
John Bradshaw Layfield vs Shawn Michaels
Stipulations:
If HBK wins, he is "released from JBL's contract with a severance package that will ensure financial freedom for his family"
If JBL wins, he "owns the HBK name and likeness for all of his private business ventures on a permanent basis"
Will Win: HBK
Who I Want To Win: JBL
Now I know what you are thinking: why do you want a deadbeat like JBL to win? But a JBL win could actually make things very interesting around the "E". Playing off the bad economy has been a pretty intriguing angle, and it would be interesting to see it continue into WM25. But of course, we can't have the marks ask Shawn about his condition outside the arena. Just ask Jericho about what happens when marks approach him after the show. So Shawn wins and gets his freedom.

No Holds Barred Match
Randy Orton vs WWE Executive Vice-President Shane McMahon
Will Win: Shane
Who I Want To Win: No Preference
Shane is always there to steal the show, so this will be the match of the night. Whatever way this match goes is fine with me, cause the Raw main event is pretty much set in stone for WM25. And the McMahons will be involved in that match in full force.

ECW Championship Singles Match
ECW Champion Jack Swagger vs Finlay
Will Win: Swagger
Who I Want To Win: Swagger
Well, this got a hell of a lot more interesting on ECW this past Tuesday night. Which makes me angry that Christian CAGE's return got squashed to a random ECW. Sorry, Finlay, but now you really have no chance on Sunday. Swagger and Christian will fight at WM25 (or sooner, if the draft is April 13 like the rumors say) for the ECW title.

World Heavyweight Championship 6-Man Elimination Chamber Match
World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs Rey Mysterio vs Kofi Kingston vs Mike Knox vs Kane vs Chris Jericho
Will Win: Cena
Who I Want To Win: Anyone but Knox
See Orton's match. We all know Cena is going to win. The Raw main event for WM25 is too predictable: Cena vs Orton with some sort of McMahon influence. But that doesn't mean the "E" can't surprise me with a Kofi or Rey or even Kane (even though he doesn't want a world belt) win in this match. Jericho I thought could be a darkhorse possibility, but after his stunt last weekend in Victoria, that won't be happening, and besides, he has Rourke to worry about at WM25. Cena retains to set up his match with Orton. Expect to see Kofi and Rey in MITB though (and possibly Kane).

WWE Championship 6-Man Elimination Chamber Match
WWE Champion Edge vs The Undertaker vs Triple H vs Jeff Hardy vs Vladimir Kozlov vs The Big Show
Will Win: Edge, Taker, HHH, or Hardy
Who I Want to Win: Edge, Taker, or Hardy
The WM25 FNSD main event, on the other hand, is far less predictable at this point because you pretty much have the 6 heavy-hitter FNSD superstars in this match. And you have 4 superstars that could potentially set up huge FNSD main events (no disrespect intended for Kozlov or Show). If it's Jeff, obviously you have Jeff vs Matt (which will happen anyways, it's all a matter of title status at this point) for the title. If it's HHH, Edge can go the rematch clause route for an entertaining main event. Ditto for Edge and HHH would get in there somehow. If it's Taker, then it will just be some random heel, maybe Edge. So many ways this could go, and it will be very interesting what WM25 main event develops. They'll have to do it quickly too, before next Friday, to give time to promote the main event. There's a small chance that if a non-Hardy face wins (Taker or HHH), Orton would switch to FNSD and challenge him, but I think that's slim to none.

A-Rod and Michael Phelps should be roommates.

So the big story in sports this weekend was that Alex Rodriguez, FORMERLY one of my sports heroes alongside #19 (Yzerman), #23 (Jordan), and #10 (Chipper), had tested positive in 2003 for steroids. Why this is being revealed 6 years after the fact is not important (fuck you MLBPA for trying to keep this secret). What is important is that A-Roid (A.K.A. A-Rod*, A-Fraud, and GNC-Rod) betrayed a lot of people's trust, including mine.

You see, A-Rod was the only person I could stand on the Yankees. His play on the field was amazing, and his numbers were just as stellar, leading many, including myself, to be relieved that Bonds' record* of 762 homeruns would be broken by this athlete.

Moreover, I felt a sense of sympathy with him. Since he went to the Yankees, he was always overshadowed by Derek Jeter, the hero of New York who could do no wrong. At least in the questionable eye of the fans. In reality, not only did he have better stats than Jeter (2007 is a great example of this), he happened to just look better on the field.

Now the critics would single out two things: (A) his poor postseason play, and (B) his alleged affair with Madonna. But I was willing to defend him because (A) it's not like any of his teammates (READ: PITCHERS) were doing any better and (B) who hasn't had disagreements with his wife?

I even was willing to defend his disturbing Guitar Hero commercial with fellow druggie Michael Phelps, fellow affairist Kobe Bryant, and....dammit I can't say anything bad about....Tony Hawk, but that was a stretch.

But today his reputation was tarnished forever. Yankee fan, I am humbled to say you were right about him all along. But just remember, when you're paying for his $275m contract with your tickets to the new Yankee Stadium, just remember you're probably paying for A-Fraud's HGH.

you know...

When you use your overnight job as a means of escape, that's when you know something needs to change in days, not weeks. Fuck that, hours.

Take the situation between my dad and my stepmom. I won't go into all the details because it is their situation, but let's just say that I've heard more than I want to hear.

And I'm fucking sick of it all.

I hope my dad can face the facts in the next couple days and realize its all over. Grandma and Grandpa's house is open because they are in Florida and you already said to me that we'd probably go over there and fire everything back up. SO WHY AREN'T WE THERE?

You're sick of her, I'm sick of the yelling, we're both frustrated...LET'S FUCKING GO ALREADY!

Because I'm sure Mom would love to take me back in in Minnesota. Or my cousins here. Or whoever will give me assistance.